H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
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The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust