“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Put a ring on it
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Breaking news:
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.