[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
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“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.