How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
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Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.