Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
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Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Wait a second…
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game