nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
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Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”