“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
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An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.