Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
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don’t we all
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat