I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
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“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
This is a whole mood;
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!