Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
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Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Rt to bother an English speaker
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
dogs can find happiness so easily
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.