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Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?