Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
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As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.