Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
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When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
the three genders
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
We found love in a hopeless place.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I occasionally drink every single night.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe