It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
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I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
So inspired right now.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea