I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
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why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Oceanography is all about current events
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*