Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
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every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name