[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
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Not all heroes wear capes….
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-