My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
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Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
this is uni
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Why is this me 😫
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
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BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.