Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
You Might Also Like
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King