Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
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Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Single and childfree like Jesus
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Heroic Misunderstanding
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*