It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
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My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.