If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
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My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
S/o to @funTweeters .
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs