Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
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Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time