As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
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My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I was bored.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
cry laughing at this shit
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*