Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
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Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …