I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
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Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.