Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
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bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
They did not miss in the small print
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO