dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
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Where is that goddamn asteroid already
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I beg your pardon?
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.