They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
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scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
just got my engagement photos
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture