Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?