wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
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when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Thursday Thought.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*