You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
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When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I need a headline like this
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
My dating profile:
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!