Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
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Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Finally!
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I just love that new Pope smell.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes