JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
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If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
#inspiration #foodforthought
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.