My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
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Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity