Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
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“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Lol.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
(2022)
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
selena gomez
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.