Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
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Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I’m not proud
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it