When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
You Might Also Like
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.