Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
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Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat