[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
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F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.