I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
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Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
this is so top tier i cant
This is hilarious….
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Awwwww shit.