Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
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crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I don’t know what to do
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.