Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
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My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?