No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
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And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.