Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
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‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Dear Lord..
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
this makes me so uncomfortable
mood
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.