Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
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“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Happy Taco Tuesday
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.