Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
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God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
That’s what I call a flat tire
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.