The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
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[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?