I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?