Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
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We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
wish me luck lads
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work